Guidance Office

Talking about death is often difficult, and can be even more so with children.  Whether they directly say so or not, children tend to wonder the same things that adults do: Why did this happen?  What will happen now?  How long will I feel sad?  What happens after death?  Finding the right words can be hard.  If the task of explaining death feels overwhelming, ask someone you trust to assist you in the conversation (New York Life Foundation, 2014).

​

What You Can Say

​

Be direct and keep it simple. 

​

1. Tell that you have something important to discuss and set the context for what happened.
   
   You can say:  "I have something important to tell you that may feel sad or surprising about (name of person)."  Follow-up with context, such as "as you know, your grandfather has been sick" or "your aunt was in a car accident."
    

2. Share that the person has died.  Be direct and use words such as "died" or "dead".  Avoid euphemisms such as "passed on", "gone away", "eternal sleep", or "watching over you."  Direct terms can feel awkward, but euphemisms tend to be confusing for children.
   
   You can say:  "I feel sad to share this, but your grandfather has died."
    

3. Pause and allow the child a moment to react, then invite the child to share what's on his/her mind.  What feelings does the child have?  What comes to mind?  Allow the child to share anything and everything that has come to mind, and share how you feel as well.
   
   You can say: "What's it like for you to hear me say that?" or "what's on your mind?"  or "I feel sad and angry too" or "I wonder about that also."
    

4. Explain that there is no "right" way to feel and that feelings can change.
   
   You can say:  "There is no right or wrong way to feel.  Sometimes, people feel sad.  Sometimes people feel mad.  Sometimes, people feel normal.  And many times, feelings change.  You may feel sad one day, but your normal self another day, and angry another day.  It won't feel the same all the time."
    

5. Ask if there are any questions and answer them honestly.  Sometimes, their questions are straightforward.  At other times, children can wonder about existential topics, such as about reincarnation, why their loved one left them behind, or feeling angry with a higher power for allowing the death to happen.  Allow the child to discuss whatever is on his/her mind and know that's okay if you don't have all the answers.

​

4 Basic Concepts About Death

​

Even though children tend to hear/see the same things as adults, their understanding of what those things mean is different.  Adults can help children understand death accurately, which is an important step in helping children understand and adjust to the loss. There are 4 basic concepts about death to understand.  As you talk to them about death, you'll see which of the 4 they understand and which you will need to explain.

​

1. Death is permanent.  In movies and TV shows, sometimes characters die and then come back to life.  As a result, young children can sometimes believe that death is reversible.
    

2. All life functions end at the time of death.  Children who are very young tend to view all things as being alive.  This is reinforced through our language when we say things like "your doll must be hungry" or "the car has died."  Ensure the child understands that death means the body has stopped working - the heart is no longer beating and the person is no longer breathing. 
    

3. Everything that is alive eventually dies.  "Children may believe that they and others close to them will never die. Parents often reassure children that they will always be there to take care of them.  This wish to shield children from death is understandable.  But when a death directly affects children, this reality can no longer be hidden from them.  ...If [children] do not understand that death is an inevitable part of life, they will make mistakes as they figure out why this particular death occurred. They may assume it happened because of something bad they did or something they failed to do. They may think it happened because of bad thoughts they had. This leads to guilt. They may assume the person who died did or thought bad things, or didn’t do something he or she should have done. This leads to shame. When you talk to your children about this concept, let them know you are well, and that you are doing everything you can to stay healthy. Explain that you hope and expect to live a very long time, until your children are adults.  This is different from telling children that you or they will never die" (New York Life Foundation, 2014, p. 7).
    

4. There are physical reasons why someone dies.  If children don't understand why a loved one has died, they may come to incorrect conclusions that lead to shame or fear.  Graphic details aren't necessary, but use language that is simple, direct, and brief.

​

(New York Life Foundation, 2014)

​

Additional Resources

​

Below is a more detailed guide that reviews how to discuss loss with a child (click on the title in bold).

​

How Children Grieve and How Parents & Other Adults Can Support Them

By: New York Life Foundation

​

​

​

​

References

New York Life Foundation (2014).  After a loved one dies - how children grieve and how parents and other adults can support them.  New York: Author.  Retrieved from: http://www1.newyorklife.com/newyorklife.com/General/FileLink/Static%20Files/Bereavement-bklet-English.pdf. 

​

​